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Greetings, my friend.
I am the Amazing Criswell.
Do not believe the false rumor that I am Keith Olbermann.
I have the uncanny power and ability to predict the future.
Welcome to a another Shady's Place exclusive -
CRISWELL PREDICTS
- a sneak preview of my new psychic
series coming soon to this station.
In every volume, I will astound you with predictions
about things that will happen many years from now.
...even in the distant future -
the year 2000 and beyond!!!
Here now are my predictions.
I predict that, in the year 1985, solar flares will
cause every human being's belly button lint to
become magnetized. The fluff will clump together,
forming a vast mountain chain that spans the globe.
I predict, in that same year, 1985, an Irish lad singing a new
style of music called "Italo Disco," will appear on a German
TV show, share the stage with a lion, a tiger and a zebra,
and sing his chart-topping international hit, a song
that features the Lord of the Jungle's famous cry,
a catchy dance ditty entitled-- "Tarzan Boy!"
"Tarzan Boy" - Baltimora
{Jan thru Mar. 1986 (U.S.), highest chart pos.
#13 Hot 100/#18 Cash Box/perf. on Apr. 12, 1985,
ep. of West German music TV show WWF Club}
I predict a phenomenon of the future called
the World Wide Web, a place where spiders can
meet, talk trash, entertain themselves and shop.
You might think I'm crazy, but I predict that, in the year
1984, cars will not only be able to talk, they will be
able to sing and play musical instruments!
"You Might Think" - The Cars
(Apr./May 1984, highest chart pos.
#7 Hot 100 & Cash Box/#8 Canada)
I predict that in the year 1965, a band will have a hit record
based on overeating, indigestion and Speedy Alka-Seltzer!
"No Matter What Shape (Your Stomach's In)"
- The T-Bones (Jan./Feb. 1966, highest chart pos.
#3 Hot 100 & Cash Box/#1 Canada, Dec. 4, 1965,
performance on Shindig Goes to London: Part 1)
I hold the key that unlocks the door to your future.
In 1971, a rock band called The Doors will have a
hit with "Riders On The Storm." Believe it or not,
and while we're on the subject of indigestion,
an artist named Steve Duryee will take the
Doors song and cook up a meaty parody
called-- "Burgers On The Grill!"
"Burgers On The Grill" - Doors parody
cover by Steve Duryee (June 2017)
I predict that, in the year 2525, the dung of
the duck-billed platypus, stamped into coins,
will be a popular form of currency, accepted
in fine stores and restaurants around the
world, resulting in the advertising slogan:
"Platypoop - don't leave home without it."
I predict there will be a one-hit-wonder band called
The Beatles, and that in early 1964, they will
achieve a worldwide #1 record with the
song "I Want To Hold Your Hand."
I further predict that, in early
1980, an English pop duo
known as Dollar will also
have a hit with the ditty.
"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" - Dollar
{English duo David Van Day & Thereza Bazar}
(Jan./Feb. 1980, highest chart pos. #6 UK/#11 Ireland,
performance on Dec, 6, 1979, ep. of Top Of The Pops)
I predict that radiation from the government's
top secret nuclear testing program will cause
a man named Shady Del Knight to grow 50 feet
tall and go on a hugging and smooching rampage.
Beware -- he's coming to your town!
Bear this in mind. I am
The Amazing Criswell.
I am never wrong.
FYI - My record is available for only
$19.95 at the table in the lobby.
The Amazing Criswell is exactly that. Amazing! (well, mostly amazing) I liked his prediction about cars.
ReplyDeleteHi, Kelly! Hi, Pat!
DeleteThanks for rushing the gate to become the Early Bird again this week, dear friend!
I'm curious to find out how many of my friends actually remember The Amazing Criswell, a celebrity who was a big part of my childhood. It is unclear to me if you remember him from his numerous movie and TV appearances of the past, or if you are just now learning that he was a big name attraction back then. Either way, I'm glad Criswell amazed you with his predictions. Can you imagine a future that includes singing Cars? :)
Thanks again for joining the fun, dear friend Kelly!
I remember watching Plan 9 From Outer Space.
ReplyDeleteI love Tarzan Boy. I still have that song on my Youtube playlist and listen to it every so often. I never get tired of that song.
The Cars always had great songs.
Burgers On The Grill is funny.
The other songs were new to me.
I hope you have a good weekend.
Hi, Mary!
DeleteThanks for coming over two days in a row, dear friend! I knew you'd get a kick out of The Amazing Criswell and his predictions. I'm very pleased that you are familiar with Plan 9. I saw Criswell in that film and in another Ed Wood feature, Night of the Ghouls. I also saw him in Orgy Of The Dead and as a frequent guest on TV talk shows.
Wow, Mary - I'm delighted that your eyes and ears dig "Tarzan Boy" as much as mine do. the song has long been one of my "Eighties Greaties." Like you, I can honestly say that I never grow tired of hearing it and seeing Baltimora frontman Jimmy McShane sell the song on stage. Poor Jimmy died of AIDS at the age of 37!
I'm pleased that you also favor The Cars' hit and Steve Duryee's Doors parody.
Thanks again for stopping by, dear friend Mary. I'll see you tamale at your place!
I may not be first today but at least I'm not last! (Unless nobody else comments tonight!) I'd never heard of the Amazing Criswell but I can see he's pretty much on the mark with his predictions! My favorite here tonight was "Burgers On the Grill". Yes, I liked it better than the Beatles cover! I hope you're having a fabulous end to the weekend Shady. It's much quieter here today than last week! Hopefully Florida is getting back to a more normal time after the hurricane! Heading back to my blog to finish part two! Take care Shady!
ReplyDeleteHi, YaYa!
DeleteWelcome back in to Shady's Place, dear friend! I predicted that you'd have a Pt. 2 H-ween party post running tonight and that you would swing by to see me. Both predictions came true! :)
I'm a little surprised that you, a boomer, never heard of The Amazing Criswell, not to be confused with mentalist The Amazing Kreskin who was also a big name back in our younger years. Criswell had his own 1950s TV show and appeared as a guest numerous times on talk shows including The Jack Parr Tonight Show and The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. He also appeared in those spooky movies I mentioned in my reply to Mary (above). Criswell made hundreds of public predictions, many published in a journal. Most were outrageous and never came true, but some were chilling in their accuracy, including the one he made on The Jack Paar Program on March 10, 1963: "I predict that President Kennedy will not run for reelection in 1964, because of something that will happen to him in November 1963."
I'm glad you enjoyed the Doors parody song "Burgers On The Grill." I agree it's a hoot. I thought the Dollar cover is kinda cool, and that's why I posted it. I had never before heard of that English duo or their Beatles cover, but they achieved a top 10 hit with it in the UK.
Yessum, all is well here in Florida where we are anticipating a dramatic cool down by the middle of next week. Thanks for sending a cold front our way! Thank you again for visiting, dear friend YaYa. Have a great week and I'll be over to see you shortly!
I know Criswell only from Plan Nine from Outer Space, but there's a mild charisma there so it doesn't surprise me that he would have been a celebrity in his day. The line "Future events such as these will affect you in the future" is often attributed to the film's writer/director Ed Wood Jr, but I just now read that it was Criswell's signature line, that he used it in his TV show and newspaper column. However popular that TV show and that newspaper column, today Criswell's lasting legacy is Plan 9 from Outer Space. As a fan of the movie (and not simply because it's "so bad it's good"), I think there are worse ways to be remembered. It's not like he was in Reefer Madness.
ReplyDeleteI well remember "Tarzan Boy", just not the song's title or the artist. Watching that Cars video again, it occurs to me that Ric Ocasek is taking stalking to surrealistic extremes. Of course, he married the woman in the video in real life. I'm afraid Dollar's cover of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" doesn't make me forget the original, but I give the band credit for even taking iconic song on. I have a live John Lennon album with the song, and even HE can't match the original! Those hamburgers in the Doors parody made me hungry. As for that woman getting whipped in the face with that hot dog, well, I guess this comment section isn't the place for sophomoric humor, so I'll just back off for now.
Hi, Kirk!
DeleteI predicted that you would visit Shady's Place by the end of the weekend, good buddy. Bingo! Bazinga! Thanks for joining the fun as The Amazing Criswell, not to be confused with Keith Olbermann or Ethel Merman, predicts your future and mine.
Thanks for doing some background research for your comment and offering additional tidbits about Criswell. From the late 1950s through early 70s, I saw him time and again in guest shots on the TV shows of Jack Parr, Johnny Carson, Merv Griffin and Mike Douglas. I always looked forward to hearing his outrageous predictions. As you know, a few of them actually came true. On New Year's Eve, December 31, 1965, Criswell predicted that Ronald Reagan would be California's next governor and, early in 1963, he predicted that President Kennedy would not seek re-election to another term in 1964 because of something that would happen in November '63. Amazing indeed!
FYI - Reefer Madness is based on Shady Del Knight's true life story.
I'm glad Criswell nudged your memory with his song selections, including the Italo-disco group Baltimora's cool 80s dance hit "Tarzan Boy" featuring the vocals and acting skill of Jimmy McShane, and Ric Ocasek fronting The Cars on one of their most memorable MTV videos "You Might Think." In fact, "You Might Think" won MTV's first Video of the Year Award. Good buddy, forgive me for offering a correction. I too thought the model in the video is the one Ric married. Correct me if I'm wrong, but my research reveals that the model in "You Might Think" is Susan Gallagher, and it was the model in "Drive," Paulina Porizkova, that was married to Ric. Yes, I agree that it was courageous of the Dollar duo to tackle "I Want To Hold Your Hand," and while it can't compare to the original, it did crack the UK top 10.
I'm also pleased that you liked the Doors parody. Thanks again for dropping by, good buddy Kirk, and have a terrific week ahead!
Hi Shady,This post was so funny and I loved the songs, especially the cover of the Beatles, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." I've never heard it before by Dollar and I loved it. When "Tarzan Boy" started, I thought it was David Bowie in the video. Such a cute song, but I've never heard this one before either. Loved the Cars and the T-Bones. "No Matter What Shape," sounded familiar but not, "You Might Think."
ReplyDeleteHave you reached 50 feet tall yet? I don't remember Criswell at all, which surprises me since he was on the Tonight Show etc. I would pay 100 platypoops to see him live on stage. Lol. Thanks for the fun!
Hi, Belle!
DeleteI'm delighted to see you, dear friend! Thanks for coming down. Busy as you are, I am grateful that you made time to visit, read the predictions of The Amazing Criswell, and listen to his song selections.
I was surprised when friend YaYa (above) told me she never heard of Criswell. You have also surprised me with that revelation. Gosh, he was a big part of my childhood and teenage years. It doesn't shock me that you probably never watched Plan 9 From Outer Space or the other spooky films in which Criswell appeared, but for many years he was a frequent flyer on the daytime and late night TV talk show circuit. He dropped in and made his outrageous predictions on 5 episodes of Jack Paar's Tonight Show and 3 episodes of the The Jack Paar Program. Criswell appeared on 5 episodes of The Tonight Show during the Johnny Carson era. He had 2 guest shots on Merv Griffin and was on 6 episodes of The Mike Douglas Show. Criswell was a novelty act, a character that reminded me of Tiny Tim, Liberace and Monti Rock III, three other famous guests and familiar faces on the Carson Tonight Show in particular.
I'm excited that you are the first friend who really likes that Beatles cover by Dollar, an act I discovered only a few weeks ago when that video appeared in my YouTube feed. They won me over, too, and their bold cover of the iconic Beatles hit was well received in the UK where it reached #9. Their record peaked at #11 in Ireland and also charted in Australia. I just checked and confirmed that their 1979 single was indeed released in the U.S. but failed to reach any chart, including the Bubbling Under survey. Dollar's "I Wanna Hold You Hand" was not released in Canada.
Good eye, Belle! Come to think of it, Baltimora's singer Jimmy McShane did indeed strongly resemble David Bowie. I'm sure that wasn't an accident, since Bowie was a huge star at the time. As you know, new recording artists often imitate the style of established hit makers hoping to match their success. "Tarzan Boy" is one of my favorite songs of the 80s. Unfortunately, Baltimora remained a one-hit-wonder stateside, although the band's follow-up release, "Woody Boogie," was a hit in Italy, Germany, The Netherlands, Sweden and Switzerland. Their third single, "Living In the Background," reached #96 in Canada and #87 in the U.S., in case that song title rings a bell.
Yessum, that instrumental Alka-Seltzer theme by The T-Bones shot to #3 in the U.S. and #1 in Canada in late 1965. I remember it well.
I'm surprised you don't remember "You Might Think," one of the biggest hits for the Boston-based new wave band The Cars, and one of the most memorable videos from the golden years of MTV. That video was heavily requested and frequently played at the MTV-inspired station where I worked at the time.
Yessum, watch out! As Criswell predicted, Shady Del Knight has grown into The Amazing Colossal Man. Now 50-feet tall, Shady is hungry for hugs and smooches. He just crossed the border into B.C. and is mowing down trees to get to you! :)
I'm so glad you enjoyed the humor in my tribute to The Amazing Criswell. I predicted you would come over and spread cheer, and you certainly did. Thanks again for making time for a visit and have a safe and happy week, dear friend Belle!
The Amazing Criswell! He's so amazing that he gave me a chuckle. As did that Doors parody. Thanks for that laugh, dear friend.
ReplyDeleteHello Anonymous!
DeleteIf you are new to Shady's Place, I welcome you and thank you for dropping in for a visit. I'm happy to know that you enjoyed meeting The Amazing Criswell and got a kick out of Steve Duryee's parody of "Riders On The Storm."
If you liked what you saw and heard today, I invite you to come back and see me again soon. New friends are always welcome here at Shady's Place Music & Memories!
Hi Shady,
DeleteThat was me. I commented on my phone and I have no idea why my phone didn't recognize my username. Gir.
That "Riders on the Storm" parody was gold. I'm going to have to check out more of Steve Duryee.
Aha! It's you, JM! I thought I had somehow attracted a brand new friend to Shady's Place. :) Thanks for coming to explain.
DeleteThe only other parody song Steve D has on his Y/T channel is this one - "Bugs On The Windshield," a parody of "Smoke On The Water":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zslglya_IDc
Enjoy the rest of your week, dear friend JM!
Tom,
ReplyDeleteHa-Ha! What a fun post! The only songs I knew in your music line would be The Cars and the Beatles cover but I never heard of the Dollars before today. I like their version of "I Want To Hold Your Hand". I'm running late this morning but I made it at last. Thanks for great fun with the Amazing Criswell song predictions. :) Have a boogietastic week, my friend!
Hi, Cathy!
DeleteThanks for coming to Criswell's platter party, dear friend!
I can't tell for sure if you know and remember Criswell, or if this tribute post was an introduction. I'm "predicting" that the latter is true. Many times throughout my boyhood and young adult years, I saw The Amazing Criswell on TV talk shows. Most of his predictions were utterly fantastic, ridiculous and outrageous like the ones you see here. The studio audience always laughed as one by one he read aloud his bizarre predictions.
I'm pleased that you like Dollar's cover of that Beatles biggie. A hit in the UK and across Europe, the single fizzled in the U.S. and failed to make even the slightest dent in the chart, didn't even make the "Bubbling Under" list. I think it deserved to at least make the top 40 stateside.
Thank you again for your kind visit and comment, dear friend Cathy! Have a great week!
Tom,
DeleteYour prediction is right, this is my first exposure to The Amazing Criswell. I figured as much that his predictions fell into line with your writing. Although I wasn't a huge late TV watcher, Criswell brought to mind Johnny Carson as Carnac the Magnificent.
Sometime next year when my James Bond BOTB Theme Song series ends, I want to use popular Beatles songs for next series. I copied the YT link to the Dollars version as a possible contender. I haven't begun working on this yet. Perhaps in the new year I'll get started.
Thanks for stopping by today for more photo memories from our Maine vacation. Have a good day, dear friend!
Hi, Cathy!
DeleteI'm happy to see you, dear friend! Thanks for returning to follow-up.
Yessum, it was common to see magicians, illusionists and mentalists on talk shows and music variety TV shows in the 1950s through 1970s, especially Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. During boyhood, Johnny was fascinated by magic acts. His interest in magic and extraordinary mental power influenced his guest choices on The Tonight Show and inspired his recurring sketch Carnac The Magnificent. Other popular entertainers of the period in the areas of magic, illusion and psychic ability included The Amazing Kreskin, Uri Geller, the guy who could bend metal spoons with his mind, Siegfried & Roy, David Copperfield and Doug Henning.
Your Beatles series sound exciting. I look forward to it. I'm glad the English duo named Dollar attracted your interest.
I am thoroughly enjoying your pictures from Maine. They make me feel like I was there, too. Thanks again for dropping by, dear friend Cathy!
This man knows his stuff and maybe the is plan 10. I enjoyed listening to all the music and laughed at the parody of that one song. The duo do an aok job singing this Beatles tune. Hope you are well. Busy weekend visiting my mom's friend. Yesterday I made an apple and custard pie. Yes, all from Scratch!
ReplyDeleteHi, Birgit!
DeleteThanks for coming, dear friend! Good news! Criswell predicts that vast riches, richest beyond your wildest dreams, will soon be yours! That being the case, do you mind if I borrow $100? :)
I hope this means that you are familiar with The Amazing Criswell and saw him playing himself and in the role of narrator in Ed Wood's quirky sci-fi horror flick which also features Bela Lugosi, Vampira and Tor Johnson. It was originally released in March, 1957, as Grave Robbers From Outer Space, and released again in July, 1959, with the title Plan Nine From Outer Space. I'm surprised it wasn't released during Halloween season either year.
Glad you liked the Doors parody and had a favorable reaction to the Dollar duo and their updated late 70s version of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."
Thanks for making time for a visit as you come off a particularly busy and hectic weekend. Please place both of your homemade pies on the floor for my good buddy (eat-anything billy-goat) Harley. :)
Thanks again, dear friend BB, and have a wonderful week!
Thanks for pointing me in the direction of this post, Shady. However, sadly, the video of Dollar's performance of 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' on the 'Top Of The Pops' of 6th December 1979 embedded here has evidently been taken down. I have managed to track another of that performance at the 'Trevor May' YouTube channel, which you could use as a replacement, thankfully.
ReplyDeleteAs you may well imagine Thereza Bazar's appearance on this edition had quite the effect on me as an eighteen-year-old then uncovering the music of the original Mod era as it was being thoroughly revived in the aftermath of 'Quadrophenia'. She was quite the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen on the show at the time. Credit should also go to the producer of the song, Christopher Neil for such an inventive re-imagining of a Beatles' Beatlemania-era classic for the nascent Synth-Pop age.
I take immense gratification from the fact that that old 'girlfriend' of mine is linked to that rather later 'girlfriend', Valérie Čižmárová via Christopher Neil. He had produced Paul Nicholas' 'Grandma's Party', which was covered in Czech as 'Můj bláznivej den' ('My Crazy Day') by Valérie.
It sort of doesn't end there in terms of women who have caught my fancy. Paul Nicholas starred alongside Jan Francis in the sitcom, 'Just Good Friends'. Much earlier Jan entered my consciousness in the incredibly strange children's TV drama serial 'The Long Chase', that seemed to go on forever and I thought she was quite something way back then. She remained resolutely overwhelmingly a small-screen actress, so she may not be terribly well known in the States, however. Go on and surprise me that you have heard of her!
Hi, Christopher!
DeleteI never heard of Jan Francis, but looked at a picture gallery just now and fancy her short Dorothy Hamil/Joan Jett/Pat Benatar hairstyle, similar to that worn by the character Janet Wood played by Joyce DeWitt on the U.S. TV sitcom Three's Company.
Thanks for checking out this post. I hope to see you April 1. Until then, do take care. Cheers, Christopher!
Ah, so I have introduced you to a new name, then! I think I had vaguely heard of 'Three's Company', but that's all, so that's a new introduction to me. Joyce DeWitt is an entirely unfamiliar name, however. I can see what you mean by those three likenesses, perhaps more in Joyce's case than in Jan's.
DeleteNow I've had a more detailed look through this post it's reminded me how much I liked Baltimora's 'Tarzan Boy'. I note in my 'Warner Guide to UK & US Hit Singles' that it wasn't until August of that year that the song was in the UK monthly Top Twenty and it wasn't until the following month that it hit its peak position of No. 3. That seems quite back-to-front that an essentially European creature, that 'Tarzan Boy' was, hit in the U.S. long before it did in the UK. I certainly wouldn't have been able to describe the nationality of Baltimora, so thanks for the information that he was Irish.
'Plan 9 From Outer Space' takes my mind back to the early days of Channel 4 in the mid-Eighties and the Michael Medved-presented 'The Worst Of Hollywood' that went out late on Friday nights and I see that there was a brief flash of something else that featured in that series of awful but still awfully enjoyable films in the 'You Might Think' video - no less than 'Robot Monster'! I have Harry and Michael Medved's 'The Fifty Worst Movies Of All Time', where 'Robot Monster' is featured but strangely not 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'.
With my following of Godfrey's Grit 'n' Soul Band and interest in the history of the night-time entertainment scene of the 1960s and 1970s in and around Derby I went through a phase of trawling through the 'Saturday Pages' of the 'Derby Evening Telegraph' and the entertainment events pages of that era at Derby's Local Studies Library and one of my great revelations was that the Strutt Arms pub, just about half-an-hour's walk along the Chevin Road, where I lived until just over five years ago, to where it joins the main A6 road at Milford between Belper and Derby was quite a Mecca for bands on the Rhythm & Blues scene. One of the high-profile acts that appeared there was the British namesake of those T-Bones, with Gary Farr as the lead singer.
See you in April!
AOK, Christopher. Thanks for all the input. See you at the start of next month, my friend!
Delete