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Greetings, my friend.
I am the Amazing Criswell.
Do not believe the false rumor that I am Keith Olbermann.
I have the uncanny power and ability to predict the future.
Welcome to a another Shady's Place exclusive -
CRISWELL PREDICTS
- a sneak preview of my new psychic
series coming soon to this station.
In every volume, I will astound you with predictions
about things that will happen many years from now.
...even in the distant future -
the year 2000 and beyond!!!
Here now are my predictions.
I predict that, in the year 1985, solar flares will
cause every human being's belly button lint to
become magnetized. The fluff will clump together,
forming a vast mountain chain that spans the globe.
I predict, in that same year, 1985, an Irish lad singing a new
style of music called "Italo Disco," will appear on a German
TV show, share the stage with a lion, a tiger and a zebra,
and sing his chart-topping international hit, a song
that features the Lord of the Jungle's famous cry,
a catchy dance ditty entitled-- "Tarzan Boy!"
"Tarzan Boy" - Baltimora
{Jan thru Mar. 1986 (U.S.), highest chart pos.
#13 Hot 100/#18 Cash Box/perf. on Apr. 12, 1985,
ep. of West German music TV show WWF Club}
I predict a phenomenon of the future called
the World Wide Web, a place where spiders can
meet, talk trash, entertain themselves and shop.
You might think I'm crazy, but I predict that, in the year
1984, cars will not only be able to talk, they will be
able to sing and play musical instruments!
"You Might Think" - The Cars
(Apr./May 1984, highest chart pos.
#7 Hot 100 & Cash Box/#8 Canada)
I predict that in the year 1965, a band will have a hit record
based on overeating, indigestion and Speedy Alka-Seltzer!
"No Matter What Shape (Your Stomach's In)"
- The T-Bones (Jan./Feb. 1966, highest chart pos.
#3 Hot 100 & Cash Box/#1 Canada, Dec. 4, 1965,
performance on Shindig Goes to London: Part 1)
I hold the key that unlocks the door to your future.
In 1971, a rock band called The Doors will have a
hit with "Riders On The Storm." Believe it or not,
and while we're on the subject of indigestion,
an artist named Steve Duryee will take the
Doors song and cook up a meaty parody
called-- "Burgers On The Grill!"
"Burgers On The Grill" - Doors parody
cover by Steve Duryee (June 2017)
I predict that, in the year 2525, the dung of
the duck-billed platypus, stamped into coins,
will be a popular form of currency, accepted
in fine stores and restaurants around the
world, resulting in the advertising slogan:
"Platypoop - don't leave home without it."
I predict there will be a one-hit-wonder band called
The Beatles, and that in early 1964, they will
achieve a worldwide #1 record with the
song "I Want To Hold Your Hand."
I further predict that, in early
1980, an English pop duo
known as Dollar will also
have a hit with the ditty.
"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" - Dollar
{English duo David Van Day & Thereza Bazar}
(Jan./Feb. 1980, highest chart pos. #6 UK/#11 Ireland,
performance on Dec, 6, 1979, ep. of Top Of The Pops)
I predict that radiation from the government's
top secret nuclear testing program will cause
a man named Shady Del Knight to grow 50 feet
tall and go on a hugging and smooching rampage.
Beware -- he's coming to your town!
Bear this in mind. I am
The Amazing Criswell.
I am never wrong.
FYI - My record is available for only
$19.95 at the table in the lobby.
