It's Standing Room Only at NBC Studios in Burbankas Johnny Welcomes Rappin' Rodney Dangerfield!

My first guest is a gentleman you all know.

He's a frequent visitor to The Tonight Show.

He has his own nightclub called Dangerfield's and is
currently headlining at the Trop in Vegas. He's co-

starring in the new movie comedy Caddyshack

opening in theaters July 25th. Please welcome

a man who gets absolutely no respect...

Rodney Dangerfield!

(BAND PLAYS AND AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS)

Whatta crowd! Whatta crowd!

But I'm tellin' ya I had a rough week, ya know?
That's the story of my life - no respect!

I had it rough as a kid, too. My brother was
always complaining about being an only child.

(BA-DUM BUMP)

I was a lonely kid, so lonely.

I had an imaginary friend.

He dumped me!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

Born to lose. That's me. I was the black sheep
of the family. My mother put me up for adoption.
I was 32, for cryin' out loud!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

I'm tellin' ya, nothin' goes right for me.
I bought an artificial plant. It died!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

I returned it to the store.
The clerk told me I over-watered it!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

No respect, I tell ya. The other day I had lunch at my
neighborhood greasy spoon. The food was terrible.
They had a buffet. Instead of "all you can eat"

the sign said "all you can keep down!"

(BA-DUM BUMP)

Who am I tryin' to kid? I never fit in, always getting
kicked around. My neighborhood baseball team
picked me to play first base. I went home
covered in dirt and cleat marks!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

My life is boring. I went to my priest and confessed
all the naughty things I'd done. I could hear him
snoring on the other side of the partition!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

No respect, I tell ya... no respect at all!

Great crowd. Great crowd.

Where'd Johnny find you people?

It's nice to be invited to this shindig.

Now while I take a break, get out my

hanky and mop the flop sweat from

my forehead... you watch this video.

"Rappin' Rodney" - Rodney Dangerfield

(Oct. 1983, highest chart pos. #83 Hot 100)

I'll tell ya, it must be nice to be a winner.

I've been on a losing streak all my life.

I don't get any respect, no respect at all.

The other day I went to my doctor,

doctor Vinnie Boom Batz.

I don't trust that quack. I told him I was having

migraines. He insisted on a rectal exam!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

He's the only doctor I know who takes

his clothes off along with the patient!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

My wife. Don't get me started because she's

another one. That shrew's been giving me

the cold shoulder for years. I told her

I'd like us to spice up our marriage.
She bought me a pepper mill!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

No respect, I tell ya. The other day my wife

caught me in bed with another woman.

She cried. They were tears of joy!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

It ain't easy bein' me... you kiddin'? I joined a dating
service and told 'em I wanted a petite brunette
with a sense of humor. They matched me
with Pee Wee Herman!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

I'm lonely, I tell ya. One time I broke down

and hired a hooker. When we were done

she felt so sorry for me that she gave

me double my money back!

(BA-DUM BUMP)

Hey, you guys have been great. Be sure to leave
a little something for your waitress and I'll be
seeing you at Dangerfield's, okay?

Remember, be kind to your web-footed friends,
'cause that duck may be somebody's mother...
or one of my exes.

(BA-DUM BUMP)

Good night everybody!

 HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY!