My first guest is a gentleman you all know.
He's a frequent visitor to The Tonight Show.
He has his own nightclub called Dangerfield's and is
currently headlining at the Trop in Vegas. He's co-
currently headlining at the Trop in Vegas. He's co-
starring in the new movie comedy Caddyshack
opening in theaters July 25th. Please welcome
a man who gets absolutely no respect...
Rodney Dangerfield!
(BAND PLAYS AND AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS)
Whatta crowd! Whatta crowd!
But I'm tellin' ya I had a rough week, ya know?
That's the story of my life - no respect!
That's the story of my life - no respect!
I had it rough as a kid, too. My brother was
always complaining about being an only child.
always complaining about being an only child.
(BA-DUM BUMP)
I was a lonely kid, so lonely.
I had an imaginary friend.
He dumped me!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
Born to lose. That's me. I was the black sheep
of the family. My mother put me up for adoption.
I was 32, for cryin' out loud!
of the family. My mother put me up for adoption.
I was 32, for cryin' out loud!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
I'm tellin' ya, nothin' goes right for me.
I bought an artificial plant. It died!
I bought an artificial plant. It died!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
I returned it to the store.
The clerk told me I over-watered it!
The clerk told me I over-watered it!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
No respect, I tell ya. The other day I had lunch at my
neighborhood greasy spoon. The food was terrible.
They had a buffet. Instead of "all you can eat"
neighborhood greasy spoon. The food was terrible.
They had a buffet. Instead of "all you can eat"
the sign said "all you can keep down!"
(BA-DUM BUMP)
Who am I tryin' to kid? I never fit in, always getting
kicked around. My neighborhood baseball team
picked me to play first base. I went home
covered in dirt and cleat marks!
kicked around. My neighborhood baseball team
picked me to play first base. I went home
covered in dirt and cleat marks!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
My life is boring. I went to my priest and confessed
all the naughty things I'd done. I could hear him
snoring on the other side of the partition!
all the naughty things I'd done. I could hear him
snoring on the other side of the partition!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
No respect, I tell ya... no respect at all!
Great crowd. Great crowd.
Where'd Johnny find you people?
It's nice to be invited to this shindig.
Now while I take a break, get out my
hanky and mop the flop sweat from
my forehead... you watch this video.
"Rappin' Rodney" - Rodney Dangerfield
(Oct. 1983, highest chart pos. #83 Hot 100)
I'll tell ya, it must be nice to be a winner.
I've been on a losing streak all my life.
I don't get any respect, no respect at all.
The other day I went to my doctor,
doctor Vinnie Boom Batz.
I don't trust that quack. I told him I was having
migraines. He insisted on a rectal exam!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
He's the only doctor I know who takes
his clothes off along with the patient!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
My wife. Don't get me started because she's
another one. That shrew's been giving me
the cold shoulder for years. I told her
I'd like us to spice up our marriage.
She bought me a pepper mill!
She bought me a pepper mill!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
No respect, I tell ya. The other day my wife
caught me in bed with another woman.
She cried. They were tears of joy!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
It ain't easy bein' me... you kiddin'? I joined a dating
service and told 'em I wanted a petite brunette
with a sense of humor. They matched me
with Pee Wee Herman!
service and told 'em I wanted a petite brunette
with a sense of humor. They matched me
with Pee Wee Herman!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
I'm lonely, I tell ya. One time I broke down
and hired a hooker. When we were done
she felt so sorry for me that she gave
me double my money back!
(BA-DUM BUMP)
Hey, you guys have been great. Be sure to leave
a little something for your waitress and I'll be
seeing you at Dangerfield's, okay?
a little something for your waitress and I'll be
seeing you at Dangerfield's, okay?
Remember, be kind to your web-footed friends,
'cause that duck may be somebody's mother...
or one of my exes.
Good night everybody!
'cause that duck may be somebody's mother...
or one of my exes.
(BA-DUM BUMP)
Good night everybody!
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY!
